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10 Ways To Tell Kids About Sex

by Prabs
Published: Last Updated on

You know your daughter is growing up when you walk into your kids’ bedroom and instead of finding the usual charming collection of cute soft toys on her pillow, you stumble upon Ken getting all cosy with his Monster High harem. I mean, just what the heck, Ken?

I don’t know about you but personally, when I see something like this on a young child’s bed – no scrap that – when I actually saw this on MY child’s bed, I thought:
1) Oh no, she isn’t a baby anymore
2) Crappity crap, we’re out of vodka
3) That’s it. I have zero coping mechanism right now
This was followed by a churning in my stomach and a dry feeling in my mouth (presumably because of the lack of frickin’ vodka). You know why? Yep…cos I knew even worse was yet to come. I knew the time was approaching when I’d need to have the talk. Yep THE talk. Yes, yes! THAT one! Explaining sex to kids. Groan.
Oh for goodness sake, would someone purleeese go find me that vodka?
Now, here’s the thing:
Coming from an Indian background, I was never given THE talk when I was growing up. Asians just don’t do the sex talk. It’s so completely taboo. In fact, when I was growing up, I kind of wondered if Asians even had sex because nobody acknowledged its existence. Showing any form of physical affection towards a spouse or member of the opposite sex was frowned upon. Actually, my parents were an anomaly because occasionally they would – HOLD THE FRONT PAGE – hold hands! I know right? Shock horror, and so on. And the western concept of romance? (Yep, it’s seen as a Western concept) was a total no no. Seriously, if there was even a tiny possibility that a couple were about to kiss on screen, a certain family member would swoop in with the remote control and change channels. I cannot count the number of times Alexis Carrington was about to get down and dirty with Dex Dexter (that name!) or some other random guy on Dynasty, when all of a sudden, the news or weather would miraculously appear on the screen.
If you’re of Indian, or in fact any form of Eastern origin, then that probably sounds slightly familiar… I’m so sorry. Let’s all hold hands.
I guess, in the general scheme of things, it’s no big deal and we grow up unscathed and manage to figure out how it all works. Put it this way, evidently this lack of knowledge-sharing by our parents/elders does not affect Asians too much because there are just a few of us on the planet which means a lot of us figured it out…
I am convinced, however, that this general view of sex by Eastern cultures as shameful and not for discussion most definitely has its consequences. However, that takes us into all sorts of serious territory and a) serious is currently on holiday b) you could literally write an entire book on that and c) actually, I don’t think it’s just an Asian thing. A Maltese friend pointed out that the same is true of Catholic cultures and to be honest, I doubt my ‘white Western’ friends got sat down when they were x years-old and given a Power point presentation by their parents on fornication (mainly because Power Point didn’t exist back then).
Anyway, back to Ken and his harem. Fast forward several decades (eek) and here I am, a mother myself, having a mild panic attack (suffering from cold palms, waking up with night sweats and feeling a general sick sense of dread…so nothing major) at the mere thought of having to do THE talk. Ah….there they are….those consequences I mentioned… See? I don’t have the faintest idea how to go about it.
So I’m wondering if I can just make light of the whole thing (well I did say serious is currently away folks) and use one of the following 10 ways to explain things to Musical M and – when the time comes to it (like when they’re 30) – her siblings:      
1. Go with “First there was Adam. Then there was Eve…and there was no TV…blimey were they bored! Oh and here’s a diagram I drew earlier. I’m not very good at drawing. If you want to know anything else, Google it”.
2. Give her a dot to dot book with ‘relevant’ pictures and wish her luck.
3. Put all three of them in front of a DVD. Yes, THAT kind of DVD. And then get M to explain it to the other two.
4. Say “There was a stork. I have NO idea what happened next but I’m sure you can figure the rest out, you’re an intelligent kid.”
5. Buy her a load of Rihanna/Nicki Minaj/Robin Thicke. Surely it’s enough?
6. Say “This is a picture of the male body. This is a picture of the female body. This – ooh, who wants to play on the Wii?”
7. Walk past her room, lob an ‘informative’ book (see below) at the bed while she’s got her headphones on and run away.
8. Tell her “You start with a kiss. Ok, that’s it for lesson one. Shall we go to McDonalds?” I  would rather run down the street naked with nothing but a Man U scarf around my neck than take my kids to McDonalds but I reckon feeding them junk food would be less painful than doing THE talk.
9. Just let her loose on YouTube. Sooner or later, she’s bound to come across something useful. You can learn a lot from YouTube.
10. Just ask her dad to do it when they’re both sat at breakfast.
And then run away.
Come on…one of those has to work right?!
And if none of them do, you might want to try one of these:


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Tracey Abrahams (The Anxious Dragon) September 21, 2015 - 12:22 pm

I was fairly lucky as my boys schools had quite a good sex ed program. They informed us of when the lessons would be occuring (they started at about 8, with lessons on whats a family, then at 10 they had the girls and boys have different bits talk, at 13 they covered contraception). This gave me the oppotunity to just have a general chat about what they learnt at school, did they understand it etc without having to go into too many details.

prabs September 21, 2015 - 1:57 pm

Yes she had the talk last term at school. Many sighs of relief were to be heard coming from me.

Jen @ 4,128 miles July 20, 2015 - 11:27 pm

Eeek! I’m in denial – it’s never going to happen! Just too cringeworthy! #babybrainmonday

prabs July 21, 2015 - 9:23 am

Oh but it IS going to happen. Be scared. Be very scared… #babybrainmonday

Harps July 20, 2015 - 9:26 pm

Cracking up right now!!! I can totally relate! How did it actually go?! Totally coming to you for tips when it’s my turn (when he’s like 30 too!!) x thanks for linking up #babybrainmonday x

prabs July 21, 2015 - 9:22 am

How did it go? I didn’t do it. Waited a year and lo and behold they had ‘the talk’ a few weeks ago before the end of term. PherYEW! #babybrainmonday

Stacey July 20, 2015 - 9:48 pm

Fab! An oldie but a goodie. I like the vision of your hand holding parents sitting you down with a PowerPoint Presentation!

prabs July 21, 2015 - 9:23 am

lol yes one of my personal faves. Thanks for reading.

Claire at Life Love and Dirty Dishes July 18, 2015 - 6:17 am

Just lob the booklet and run! I am never prepared for the questions. When I was pregnant with the little on I had planned an answer ready for when the big one asked how did the baby get in your tummy. He didn’t. He asked how it was coming out. :/ Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

prabs July 18, 2015 - 9:23 am

Thanks for reading and for hosting x

Modern Dad Pages June 6, 2015 - 2:32 am

Drop her off at a farm and have her around the animals, she will either come back understanding or disgusted 🙂 thanks for linking on #wineandboobs btw this was hilarious 🙂

prabs June 6, 2015 - 11:29 am

Hee hee tks.

Random Musings June 5, 2015 - 4:48 pm

Love your 10 ways – all equally inventive! I love the harem of dolls lol 🙂 Finally did it and linked up to #wineandboobs 🙂

prabs June 5, 2015 - 8:57 pm

Yay look at you! OMG that harem. I swear…I nearly died.

Ems June 5, 2015 - 10:42 am

CRINGE! God help me child when I have to talk to her about S E X (I can’t even put the word together, its too embarrassing!) I’m going to be doing everything on your list! Great post 🙂 #wineandboobs

prabs June 5, 2015 - 3:11 pm

LOL I love how my post has made fellow bloggers cringe at the thought. And the fact you spaced the word out!

kidglloves June 4, 2015 - 5:53 am

The Mother says – Oh, you have made me giggle and I feel your pain. Lucas is 6 and is taking a huge interest in the human body, our ‘differences’ and since a lot of his friends mums are having baby’s, it’s leading to the inevitable questions. Luckily, me and OH have an agreement. OH talks to any boys we have and I talk to any girls (we don’t have any daughters – High-5’s!!!) so I guess they’re going to be having a Father/Son chat very soon!!!! Fab post 🙂 #wineandboobs

prabs June 4, 2015 - 7:31 pm

the daughters bit! OMG yes high fiving you right back. Thanks for reading!

ImNoHumdrumMum June 3, 2015 - 6:10 pm

Oh no!! Don’t even speak of it!! Lol. My parents were…perverted to say the least but we never knew what sex was. It was never explained. The most heard about having it was to use a condom. I have no idea how we’ll be handling that one. So far, we leave at as “something people do when they are married.” Lol Good enough for now.

prabs June 3, 2015 - 7:00 pm

Lol. Oh yes of course. Absolutely. Only after marriage. Ahem. Gosh is that the time already…

Talya June 3, 2015 - 12:38 pm

Haha love this so funny not looking forward to the moment when I discover dollies in those positions. Hmmm not really sure which approach is going to be the least cringe for everyone! #wineandboobs

prabs June 3, 2015 - 6:59 pm

I have one piece of advice for you: HIDE THE DOLLIES. Thanks for stopping by!

JENNY June 3, 2015 - 6:04 am

Feeling a little smug, my child of 7 understands most of it all, he is a jnrFarmer. It’s just the actually in humans you need a pill or condom part I am going to have to deal with. Ivf (or AI in farming world) is already covered and how babies leave their mummys tummy, daughter at 3 watched birthingpool vids on utube so that’s covered too. Just be glad you found the dolls, over dinner one evening in front of my younger siblings, when I was 10, I asked my mum what a condom was after hearing it in the playground – put her on the spot just a bit!

prabs June 3, 2015 - 7:02 pm

Man…bet she spat her soup at real quick 🙂 Love the farming thing.

Louise Rodgers June 3, 2015 - 6:50 am

This is HILLARIOUS!! It’s actually not something I’m worried about as I’ve come from quite an open family! I guess I’ll just wait until my son asks me rather than actually approaching the subject myself. From what I remember, the way I brought it up with my mum when I was a child was by asking “what’s a durex?!” Lol!

prabs June 3, 2015 - 6:58 pm

Thanks so much. OMG your poor mum lol!

Martin - At Home With The Boys June 2, 2015 - 11:36 pm

I came across your site from the linky #wineandboobs. I found your style and post funny, but I don’t think I’ll be laughing when the time comes!
I think I will have to take option 10, only, I’m going to sit them down with their Mother and then make my excuses.
Thanks for a great post and some sound advice. Going to need it one day.

prabs June 3, 2015 - 7:01 pm

Wait. I give good advice? Who knew…

Becky, Cuddle Fairy June 2, 2015 - 8:04 pm

lol I really enjoyed that post! I’m not looking forward to THE talk with my kids!! Your suggestions sound great to me! #wineandboobs

prabs June 2, 2015 - 10:22 pm

Who knew I could actually be (unintentionally) helpful? Lol. Thanks for stopping by! And well done on your amazing site visits and followers in the short time you’ve been at it!

Lianne @ one of each kind June 2, 2015 - 7:25 pm

Wow it’s so hard to chose which option to go with. I have a few years to go before ‘the talk’ I hope there will be a new easier option! #Wineandboobs

prabs June 2, 2015 - 7:51 pm

Lianne I’d say option 11 (not included here) is by far the easiest: just DON’T do the talk. What’s the worst that can happen right?

Carlyakamummy June 2, 2015 - 7:03 pm

Ha ha great! My mum had the talk with me when I was about 10. She gave me a book with cartoon people in, it was hilariously embarrassing.

prabs June 2, 2015 - 7:54 pm

Hilariously embarrassing. Fab. I came across a book in my childminder’s house. Jeez Louise. Thanks for commenting!

Kaye June 2, 2015 - 6:29 pm

Haha, I’m so glad I don’t have to broach this subject for a while!! And when the time comes about, I imagine I’ll get Mr J to sort it out instead! >_< #wineandboobs

prabs June 2, 2015 - 7:56 pm

You are a woman with a GOOD plan. Def Mr J.

Anneli July 25, 2014 - 9:54 am

Being Swedish, I was raised part time at kinder garden (or “Dagis” as we called it). From the age of 5, the book “Per, Ida & Minimum” was read frequently to me and the other kids at Dagis. I have no idea whether it has been translated to English but I swear a copy of that book would explain most practical things about sex and reproduction 🙂 Good luck in finding it – perhaps you should have it translated and sell as school book in Malta? I mean since noone informs kids here, there seem to be quite a few “accidental births” which could possibly be prevented with information. 😀

Faye Camilleri Preziosi March 26, 2014 - 10:13 am

It actually looks like Ken either has a pencil in his pocket, or is very pleased to see someone!
I tried the dropping the father in it tactic and the bastard got out of it beautifully. Daughter was probably about 4 at the time and noticed a box of condoms in her father’s semi open bedside table draw. I was still half asleep and he was in the shower when she pipes up ” what are these?” I took a second thinking “what the f*** am I going to say?” before hitting on the perfect solution, “ask your father,” I said. I lay in bed giggling to myself wondering how he was going to get out of that one as she trotted off to the bathroom to ask him. She came back a minute later …”what did he say?” I asked. “They’re French letters” she said very matter of factly and that was that. “Clever bastard!” I thought.

prabs March 26, 2014 - 8:49 pm

I don’t know what’s funnier: the anecdote or the fact that you’re brave enough to share it, lol! Brill.

Liz March 5, 2014 - 4:29 pm

We tried Nr 7 – lob the informative book. It has gathered dust while J played Minecraft. It’s just not interesting, he declared. Nuff said and we’ve not broached the sex topic since. Apparently 7 yr olds are more curious about it than 11 yr old! Perhaps because it’s too close for comfort at older ages. He still thinks girls silly and just people who wear pink hairbands. Loved the post – must try some of the other Nrs though – you never know, one might work!

prabs March 5, 2014 - 9:20 pm

Ha ha maybe I just won’t bother then!

Inga February 8, 2014 - 5:35 pm

Or just start leaving the Discovery Channel or National Geographic on full time, and casually play The Bloodhound Gang’s “Bad Touch” when you’re making dinner or getting the kids ready for school.

prabs February 11, 2014 - 10:33 pm

I like your style Inga!

TK February 4, 2014 - 11:47 pm

Ahhh good old “birds and the bees”… actually I believe most teenagers these days dread “the talk” more than the parents do 😉
I would definitely go with #5 though…. that really should do it!! (And tomorrow you’ll find Musical M destroying the house with the wrecking ball she’s sitting on.. naked) :-/ Shit… I am really glad my girls havn’t reached that particular age yet!! Good luck!!

prabs February 5, 2014 - 10:27 am

You make me laugh T. Wrecking ball. Oh my word.


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