The eyebrows obsession, that is taking over the world almost ended a woman’s life recently when she fainted at a well-known makeup store after being greeted by an assistant with “unbelievably awful eyebrows”.
Mother of three, Mrs Prabulous, lives in Malta and was in the UK to visit family and attend a blogging event. She had entered the store in a desperate attempt to find an eyebrow product/anymotherfreakinthing that would work, after her youngest child had helpfully [sarcasm] asked one morning over breakfast: “Mummy where have your eyebrows gone?” This immediately prompted Mrs Prabulous to 1) find out exactly where her bloody eyebrows had indeed gone 2) stop eating breakfast with her children.
Staff at the central London outlet of the high brow (see what we did there) cosmetic brand SMAC (a fitting name considering what Mrs Prabulous wants to do to all these silly women) admitted they spotted Mrs Prabulous looking totally overwhelmed. One assistant, who didn’t wish to be named, said she heard the mother muttering expletives in the eye make up section which boasts a baffling 13 types of mascara, 11 different eyeliners (seriously? 11 ways to draw a line?!), 17 ‘must-have’ eyebrow products and who knows how many eyeshadows.
After hearing what she thought sounded like Mama Prabulous mumbling ‘Operation Relocate Eyebrows…Kill Me Now’, an enthusiastic assistant apparently approached Mrs Prabulous offering to help. Unfortunately, the assistant’s eyebrows were as enthusiastic as her helpful expression: it was at this point that the avoidable incident happened.
According to an alarmed employee with alarming eyebrows (or perhaps she merely looked alarmed because of her eyebrows…it’s quite the vicious circle really…),
The victim’s face like twisted upon seeing the assistant like and her expression like seemed to go from like simple surprise to like ‘Dear girl who did this to you?’ to like ‘Good grief you look like that on purpose?’ to ‘What the actual bloody f**k?!’ in a matter of like seconds. She then tried to steady herself by grabbing onto a shelf before crashing to the ground, taking the shelf with her. Like.
Thankfully, none of the makeup was damaged.
The SMAC employee told our reporter that she has never seen anything like it in all her years. (Funnily enough, Mrs Prabulous said the same thing about the assistant’s eyebrows.)
Mrs Prabulous (whom our reporter described as particularly churlish about being described as a pint-sized middle-aged British Asian mother of three) is now back home in Malta where she is recovering from her Ambush by Eyebrow. Nothing But The Spoof managed to secure an exclusive interview with the pint-sized British Asian mother of three (oops we did it again) about her ordeal.
Mrs Prabulous said that noticing the assistant’s bizarre forehead was the last straw during her UK visit, where she found it virtually impossible to go anywhere without having one’s personal space invaded by dramatic brows, over-arching in their ambition. Literally. She admitted this was not the UK she remembers growing up and living in for most of her life.
Mrs Prabulous almost abandoned her crucial shopping plans after it became clear that UK stores apparently no longer employ a single person with even remotely normal eyebrows.
She considered leaving Buckstars empty-handed because the barista’s 15mm high 10 cm long hair architecture put her right off her tall wet soya caramel cinnamon ‘is this even coffee anymore?’ latte:
I genuinely tried politely responding to the assistants serving me but I just kept getting distracted by the scary dark slugs above their eyelids which looked remarkably like my 7 year old’s drawings of Darth Vader,
she explained, admitting that she still hasn’t figured out who exactly was serving her: the girl or the eyebrows?
Quite frankly, the latter seemed to have a personality all of their own…
During the two hour interview, which left our male reporter shocked at just how long an agitated woman can talk about eyebrows…not to mention considering reshaping his own once he got home…
Mrs Prabulous mentioned her growing confusion over Browgate, stating that one’s eyebrows are simply meant to frame one’s face, not totally overshadow it. In fact, she felt that some of these girls have brows so huge, they literally do cast a shadow over their face. She then went on a veritable rant about the eyebrow mania that seems to be sweeping the globe.
I speak French fluently, still remember my A-level German and have basic Italian and Spanish. But I haven’t got a chuffing clue what High Definition, Microblading or Extreme Eyebrows mean. And if anybody mentions the Kardashians having ‘inspirational brows’, I may actually garotte them with my potato peeler,
she said, before going on to describe her bemusing experience of travelling on London Underground.
Mrs Prabulous expressed her surprise that more women on the trains don’t need an extra seat for their eyebrows, exclaiming (rather caustically) that it’s a miracle airlines and rail networks haven’t spotted a clear money-making opportunity by requiring these women to buy a separate ticket for their ‘over eye luggage’. (We can reveal her transport reference included profanity which Nothing But the Spoof is unwilling to print as as this is a reputable newspaper that only produces high quality journalism…and if you believe that, bless you because obviously that is nothing but a spoof).
Unfortunately, we cannot print the rest of the interview as it all got a bit too hairy. [Pats self on the back.]
However, as our reporter was leaving, he heard the bewildered mother – whose age we still don’t bloody know – mumbling something about being ‘too old for this s**t’ and frothing:
What I want to know is, if there’s this much hair action going on on top, what on EARTH is happening downstairs?!!
before rushing off to make sure her preteen wasn’t doing something idiotic with dad’s trimmer.
Honestly, it’s enough to raise one’s eyebrows…