Home Editor's Picks 15 Wines Mums Need to Survive Parenthood

15 Wines Mums Need to Survive Parenthood

by Prabs
Published: Last Updated on

So a while ago, I came up with a Cocktail Menu specifically for mothers.

People related so much that I got to thinking it’s only logical I do something similar with regards to wines. Then recently, I saw an article by Life As a Rambling Redhead on a friend’s wall, joking about pairing real wines with our child’s behaviour.  It seems that Mummy wine (well wines for parents cos dads have been known to drink too, although mummy wine has a ring to it) are becoming a parents’ survival mechanism. I mean, you can barely go a week on social media without ‘bumping into’ a wine meme such as this now legendary one

So I reckon there is a real demand for wines made specially with parents in mind!

Don’t agree? How familiar does this sound?

Wouldn’t it be great if they made a mummy wine range, a vino for parents based on what we go through during the many stages of raising our kids?

Just think: entire vintages cultivated for those of us who have endured:
– the newborn sleepless nights phase
– the shock to the system that is breastfeeding
– the torture of toilet training
– the marathon otherwise known as the school years
– and dare I mention the obstacle course of the teenage years.
Alas, there is nothing on the market for those of us in the trenches otherwise known as parenthood. But fear not dear reader:

The Absolutely Prabulous Whinery (see what I did there?…oh the GENIUS) is coming to the rescue of wine-drinking parents everywhere.

Yes, I have been working hard to come up with a range of wines that does just this. Without further ado, I bring you, [trumpet fanfare, drumroll etc] 15 Wines They Should Make For Parents. So bottoms up (and pants down). There again it’s precisely that nonsense that got you into the situation where you need these wines in the first place. So on second thoughts, keep your pants on and just read the post.

The first three up are the New Parent Wines (or those still growing their young family):

Going Nuts
, Sleep-Deprived Zombie and Weapons of Mass Distraction are fine choices that will help you survive those early years. Alright, it looks like I’m suggesting breastfeeding mums partake. I don’t know how that happened. I think I fell on the keyboard and accidentally photoshopped that one. Also, I may have embellished when I called them ‘fine’ choices. When you’re so sleep-starved that you could cry at the drop of a hat, can’t remember the last time your boobs didn’t hurt or leak and you’re waaaay past the point of caring if you smell of kiddie wee, Honey, you won’t CARE WHAT THE HELL KIND OF WINE you’re drinking. Vinegar? Sure, fill up my glass.

Next we have a selection suited to parents of toddlers who are at home or those in daycare or pre-school:

Just Shattered, Fraudster
and Lost Identity are light-weight fruity wines. These three are perfect for the woman who realises her life has changed f-o-r-e-v-e-r and with it, her ability to drink more than one glass without falling over. Dads are more likely to handle more than one glass (sorry but it’s the truth). The exhausting baby phase might be over but the routine of daycare or preschool is a reality and crawling home at 4am after a night on the tiles is a distant memory. The desire to exercise is there but it never quite happens. And shopping for life’s luxuries such as fancy handbags and must-have cosmetics is no longer a priority and anyway it’s a total mission with little ones in the equation.

The range I spent the most time developing comprises six wines, for parents of school going children; and most closely matches the stage of parenthood I am in myself.

Mum’s Uniform, Parents’ Punishment and Scatty Mama are medium-bodied wines that suit the parent adjusting to a new routine now that their child has entered the school system. These go especially well with supervising homework (may I suggest a discreet plastic cup so that the budding student doesn’t suspect mummy or daddy is a lush), searching for that damned form again which was due in yesterday or simply relaxing (translation: slumping exhausted) on the sofa after kiddie bedtime…in those yoga pants you’ve been wearing all day.

Super Glue, Ugh and School Run are for parents who require something a little heavier. When getting them to school on time, running around the building trying to locate yet another lost pencil case/coat and spending the entire evening on a science presentation (that you’re pretty sure your child was meant to do) just gets a bit much, these go down nicely.

Last but not least, wines for parents of [inhale] preteens and teenagers [exhale].
Need. I. Say. More.

Looking for something with more body (translation: to knock you out)? Then may I suggest Floordrobe, Bankrupt and Denial? Robust and as full-bodied as they come,There again, there are simply not enough wines on earth to help anyone cope with that.

Let me speak to my people at the Absolutely Prabulous Whinery about that.
Crap, there are no ‘my people’.
There is no Absolutely Prabulous Whinery.
These wines don’t exist.
Someone pass the vodka.

HAVE YOUR SAY in the comments area.

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Louise Heaton February 18, 2019 - 9:45 pm

This made me LOL! Love the accompanying pics.

prabs February 18, 2019 - 11:16 pm

I’m glad Louise!

Adrian Bold February 18, 2019 - 7:11 pm

Thanks for the great guide. Some lovely choices.

prabs February 18, 2019 - 9:50 pm

Lol I take it that’s a joke?! It’s a comedy post and they’re not real wines…

Herbert Appleby February 17, 2019 - 2:42 pm

Well done for the very amusing post 🙂

Hannah GJ February 11, 2019 - 10:05 pm

Hahahaha brilliant post!

Peter Watson February 5, 2019 - 9:58 pm

My wife definitely needs all 12 but not in one night!

prabs February 5, 2019 - 10:04 pm

That is hilarious! Thanks for reading!

MARK HOPKINS February 5, 2019 - 9:42 pm

A nice Rose please!

Emma February 26, 2018 - 1:04 pm

I will have a bottle of the “Just Shattered” and the “Scatty Mama”. Actually I want them all, can I get a discount if I order by the case? #FridayFrolics

Silly Mummy April 6, 2017 - 1:12 am

Haha – yes, I think you could make a fortune! Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics

Hannah Jane April 2, 2017 - 8:08 pm

Oh this is just simply brilliant, I’ll take a bottle of Going Nuts please haha! Thank you for sharing with #bigpinklink x

Tubbs March 31, 2017 - 12:49 pm

I’ll take Floordrobe and a straw …. Thank you 🙂

prabs March 31, 2017 - 4:27 pm

and a straw! PML!

Emma Island Living 365 March 31, 2017 - 9:57 am

Get that Abs Prabs winery open and I am coming for a lock-in. I need all of the second row. I need the pre-school ones. All of them. At the same time. Although, one glass does make me very giddy nowadays. I have also been known to throw on workout gear when I just can’t be bothered to get properly dressed. I like to throw in a few stretches on the school run so I look convincing and not at all like a dick. Yep, clearly not working! #FridayFrolics

prabs March 31, 2017 - 4:26 pm

You are utterly utterly hilarious.

Claire - Life, Love and Dirty Dishes March 30, 2017 - 9:55 pm

I’ll have a bottle of the school run please. In fact I have just drafted a post about my twice a day hell that is the school run with a toddler in tow. There’s days when I really wish it was acceptable to open a bottle at 9am!!! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

Talya March 23, 2017 - 6:58 pm

Oh my goodness I remember reading this post back when it came out and I think this might have been when I fell in love with you wifey. Still gong strong two years later! Thanks for linking this up to #coolmumclub the oldies are often such goodies xoxo

prabs March 23, 2017 - 7:55 pm

lol I know I cheated with an old one but we work so hard on these things, they need their time in the sun again!

Nicole - Tales from Mamaville March 23, 2017 - 3:40 pm

Hahahaha, an absolutely brilliant idea! This can become a super successful business… really;)

The Tale of Mummyhood March 23, 2017 - 12:42 pm

A bottle of ‘Going Nuts’ over here please!! #coolmumclub

prabs March 23, 2017 - 2:08 pm

Ha ha I knew this whinery would be a huge success! I’ll place that order immediately 🙂

Random Musings March 22, 2017 - 3:53 pm

Loved this Prabs! My particular favourite was floordrobe! You should so open this whinery – million dollar business right there lol
Thanks for linking up to #BloggerClubUK 🙂

prabs March 22, 2017 - 9:02 pm

Ha ha the worst thing is I can’t even claim credit for that. Was the inspiration of a friend!

Mummy and the Mexicans March 20, 2017 - 4:46 pm

Haha, why don’t these wines exist?! I think maybe you should start a winery, you’d make a fortune with this idea! #CandidCuddles

MomOfTwoLittleGirls March 15, 2017 - 12:37 pm

Very good. I’d definitely want to be a shareholder in that whinery … if you aren’t too concerned about me maybe drinking all the profits?

prabs March 15, 2017 - 2:17 pm

Ha ha brilliant!

Mackenzie Glanville March 14, 2017 - 7:33 am

oh my gosh too brilliant! laughed so much, maybe because I’ve been through pretty much all those phases with my eldest almost 13, thankfully not the dating one yet! But yes Math Homework is torture and why don’t they wait for us to arrive before ringing the bell? So rude of them! #candidcuddles

prabs March 14, 2017 - 11:04 am

lol awww glad you enjoyed it. lots of fun to put together.

Alana - Burnished Chaos March 13, 2017 - 11:16 pm

Ha ha, brilliant. Where can I place my order?

prabs March 13, 2017 - 11:53 pm

Ha ha yes I’m working on that particular bit. Thanks for reading.

This Mum's Life December 12, 2015 - 2:55 pm

As a lover of wine, I’m definitely a lover of this fabulous post! My recycling box is already embarrassing, so I’ll take them all! But could particularly down a bottle of Lost Identity right now. Will it bring it back at all??!

prabs December 12, 2015 - 10:44 pm

I’m sorry to tell you…no! Thanks for reading!

Jessica Powell (Babi a Fi) December 11, 2015 - 9:41 pm

Hehe, love this! I’d stock up on crates of Just Shattered 🙂 #FridayFrolics

prabs December 11, 2015 - 11:47 pm

We can drink it together! xx

Tammymum December 10, 2015 - 9:52 pm

I love this post, id be guzzling the fraudster and sleep deprived zombie by the bucket load! #coolmumclub

prabs December 10, 2015 - 11:53 pm

Ha seems there a quite a few fraudsters among us!

mummuddlingthrough December 10, 2015 - 10:28 am

We’re going to need a bigger glass recycling box….
Great post, as ALWAYS x x
Thanks for sharing it with us p1ssheads over at #coolmumclub

prabs December 10, 2015 - 6:23 pm

You crack me up. Yeah, we just might need a bigger box. Damn. #CoolMumClub

Sarah Howe (@RunJumpScrap) December 9, 2015 - 2:29 pm

How are there so many bottles?? haha. Fab post. I am only at the second level. I am dreading the school and homework phase as I know it takes so long from what I have heard. I think being in workout clothes all day sounds fab! xx Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst and see you soon x

prabs December 9, 2015 - 3:00 pm

I don’t think there are enough bottles! Had to curb myself ha ha.

Becky, Cuddle Fairy December 9, 2015 - 2:04 pm

You are onto something here Prabs!! I love them all – especially the sleepless nights falling asleep standing up range & the school gate fashion. But, I don’t iron my yoga pants – they are unironed lol I might need the wine even more. Great & funny post as always hun. x #sharewithme

prabs December 9, 2015 - 3:00 pm

Thanks Cuddles. Honestly…that’s just the first 15!!

Jodie Allen at Budget Beauty and Babies December 9, 2015 - 10:43 am

I need a few of these! Love the mums uniform one, I live in yoga pants all day everyday! #bestandworst

prabs December 9, 2015 - 11:07 am

Ha ha I do they think they need to start doing a separate section in sportswear shops for people who need yoga pants for everyday clothing and NOT yoga!

Modern Belle December 9, 2015 - 3:39 am

I love this post! Makes me want to come up with a series just for the single people out there! Thanks for sharing some humor! #abitofeverything

prabs December 9, 2015 - 8:19 am

Ha ha go for it! Would love to read it.

Stephanie December 7, 2015 - 9:08 pm

This is fantastic! There should be these types of wines for sale. I’d probably buy the Fraudster and the Just Shattered ones.

prabs December 8, 2015 - 12:45 pm

lol you and me both.

Notting Hill Daddy December 6, 2015 - 3:59 pm

Wow Prabs, what an interesting post !
I can see this has been extensively researched and welcome additional posts on Vodka and Whisky. I particularly liked the “Ugh” red, fruity and smooth with just a hint of Vanilla. Does Tesco carry “Ugh” or do I need to come to Malta to stock up ?
On another note, do try to be less on Facebook and more on Twitter. Not all of us have FB !


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